Shayne Colin Coffey

Born in Wellington, New Zealand on 12 September 1973
Passed away in Upper Hutt on 15 September 2018
Late of Upper Hutt
Aged 45 years
COFFEY, Shayne Colin – On September 15, 2018 our beloved Shayne suddenly passed at age 45 years. Dearly cherished soulmate and husband of Tammy and step-father of Preston and Trinity. Loved son of Pat Coffey and Sue Cooley, and step-son of Anne and Tom. Brother of Aaron and Paul. His lively personality, keen wit and quirky ways will be sadly missed and treasured by all who knew him. In lieu of flowers, donations to the Mental Health Foundation would be appreciated and may be left at t... Read more


Left at the bottom of the stairs for me.
Please choose a Candle
You are still loved ... forever. I'll never be the same. My sun. Your butterfly.
Tammy McPhee posted a message for Shayne Colin Coffey
One whole year today Shayne. One year since I received your last text, one year since we should have come out with you for the day, one year since a text we thought was a sick joke, one year since the police called and took away our denial, and one year since my best friends world got torn apart. You'd be proud of her though.

What more can I say but we miss you, over and over and over - but what else is there?

Sleep Tight
Cassie lit a candle for Shayne Colin Coffey
In two days it will be a year. I dont even know how I've made it this far, this long without you. Some days I really just want to stop and curl up and let the waves crash down on me.

I miss your voice, your touch, I miss how you always helped me see the best in myself. Its really hard to see now.

In some ways it's been harder recently than a when you first left. It was overwhelming waves before ... crashing over and over ... now it feels like calm .... slowly drifting in loneliness even when I'm not alone ... if I just stop kicking ..
Stop trying ... just for a bit ... I could drift under.

Ah but it's a bad night ... another day will put me back on the shore ... one day I'll stop finding myself in the salty water ... just not today
Tammy McPhee posted a message for Shayne Colin Coffey
You're always on our minds but particularly so over the last few days. Drinking good wine with other 'wine' people, Andrew has a good friend who's had a terrible diagnosis, job stuff going on, holidays coming up, house build - all stuff we'd (well, A) would want to talk to you about. Miss you Shayne x
Cassie lit a candle for Shayne Colin Coffey
7 months

Hard to believe. Things are moving, things are happening... but this isnt where we were supposed to be.

Another couple are building their dream home on our land. A trip is planned without you included. Tears and weeping happens without you to hold and comfort me. I am living and loving and take a step forward everyday.

I heard you the other night, I'm sure of it. I suppose it was good timing as at times I still feel down and dark, but those are getting fewer and fewer.

I still get mad, but now it's more sadness rather than disbelief of just after. I have most of my life ahead of me but I will wrap up our six years and hold it close... it's no disrespect of anything or anyone new in my life but rather the honoring of you who helped make me who I am today.

I am a better person because I wanted you. I love deeper because I had your love in return. I am stronger because I lost you. I will go on because I will live my life to honour you. I will never be the same because you took part of me with you. Time for me to shine again ... your twinkling little star.
Tammy McPhee posted a message for Shayne Colin Coffey
So, last night was six months since you left. I still cant believe at times you are gone.

I'm not really sure what to do anymore. I cry and wallow, I'm told to get out, I get out and find people I enjoy time with, I'm told I've moved too fast.

The thing is that no one knows you at all. They dont know what you were like at home or how youd react. They are placing their morals and values into a memory that you weren't.

So now that you are gone, you took part of me with you. Maybe it was a kinder, softer side of me that should be mourned too, but whatever it is, I've changed and I refuse to feel guilty the rest of my life because YOU decided life and work was too much for you.

I have been asked to list everything that I lost when you chose to take yourself out of this world. It starts with the tangibles as that's what I was asked for, but then I think about the emotions, the confidence, the love, the friendship... and then now I'm still losing. I'm mad at you for that... you tried to protect me and care for me ... (well most of the time) but now I'm falling under fire for a lifes worth of mistakes and I didnt even make them all myself.

You understood the storm inside me over the years though and it's now become clear no one else does. You always told me that I made the best decisions with the information I had in order to make bad situations better. This is what you would have told me ... youd have held me and said that and my tears would stop because I had you ... it was all I needed.

So now I find myself in a situation where yet again the people I care about are throwing my past in my face. You arent here to support me and tell me it will be ok. But I hear you even if they dont.

I hide it but I do ache every moment of every day. Yes I smile, laugh, and face the world with a grim determination that tomorrow will be better than today because what other choice do I have?

Recent happenings have made me again start thinking about joining you ... the guilt of you, my kids, my life ... it was uncalled for and there is only so much I can take. But I do have some wonderful things happening too ... good things dont diminish what we had ... it is just a different path to the same life, so why shouldn't I find comfort in that? So I'll find my strength in a new future ... there are parts of me that will never be the same after you ... in good ways and bad, but that's ok... growth is inevitable... not always lined with roses

My love for you is ever eternal and what I say and do dont have to look exactly the same for that to be true. I'll think of your arms, voice, and love forever and anyone who doubts that or throws the past in my face doesn't belong in my life ... they didnt really know us or me at all.

I think it was said best by an old acquaintance when he said he felt sorry for me and what's happened in my life. Seriously, I do too. But as I tell my son, we should be happy, there are worse things to be.

I am not on fire today ... not on the outside anyways.

Sleep well my sun ... I hope you have found peace ... I'll keep working on mine xo
Tammy McPhee posted a message for Shayne Colin Coffey
Tonight hurts so bad. My house feels both empty and haunted ... I sit and question how you could have chose this... I gave everything up to try and make you happy.

Now Valentine's day I'm here wondering why you decided to leave me and how I'm alone at home on this day again.... I'm not that bad. Plus I deserve love and happiness too but it seems the things I want arent important to others. I know I'm silly and frivolous but dont I deserve to smile too?

I question everything... this feeling of doubt will ruin everything and that's so unfair. With you I finally got confidence and now I need to find it again but i don't know that I'll ever stop worrying. Not good enough, smart enough, attractive enough, pleasant enough... if I were then why?

My inside voice is cruel and torturous... I can't seem to turn it off and I'll just drive others crazy... I just want a stable love ... I want to trust that someone will be there tomorrow. But I've been shaken to my core and trying to not let the past affect my future.

I miss you but i'm so mad ... I feel guilt... people judge ... I judge ... but i dont regret ... you made your choice and my choice for me.... now i have to live with that and move forward. Youd enjoy the banter the intelligence, youd approve, but you arent here to do that, we wouldnt be here if you were.

I still love you ... you'll have a part of me always ... but I need to go on... this isnt the life I signed up for ... but it's what I have and it's been good... hence the guilt the judging ... the confusion and clarity all at once. It's like having a split personality... I'm both lost and found... I'm rambling ... I know ...

Good night my sun
Tammy McPhee posted a message for Shayne Colin Coffey
Well, its been 4 months. It still hits me sometimes that you arent just gone, but that you have died by your own hand. I think that's the worst part.

I dont believe I deserved that choice ... I think I have so much to offer and it hurts that you walked away from that when I loved you so much more than I thought possible. I supported you in everything, even the things you couldn't admit to the world. You were my everything and that all came crashing down because of one stupid rash drunken decision.

I am sorry you were hurting... I am sorry I wasnt enough to speak up for ... you will always be in my heart but I no longer know who I was to you. Your notes and actions said one thing, your decision to leave another. You never wanted to hurt me and you fawned over me all the time ... but you crushed me when you left ... I accept it, but it hurts that I was so disposable to you.

Over our time you gave me confidence but now I'm at square one again. I dont think you intended this ... you obviously thought I'd be better off ... and maybe in time I will be, but it will because i had reinvent myself yet again.

I do question at times how many times one heart, one life can break and still recover... but I still believe in love, marriage, a lifetime with the person I love and I thought that was you .... I did ... now ... well time will tell.

Regardless, I miss you, your jokes, your laughter, your way of always making me feel safe and loved. Our time together was full yet fleeting and I go on without you beside me... you will always be loved but I cant stop my life to continue mourning, it was killing me inside... I need to move forward and I know you like no one else ever did. Youd support me no matter where life takes me or who I am with, so knowing that gives me comfort and reassurance.

Ok well I'm sure I'll message you soon ... you are my sun and while my world no longer revolves around you, your memory still lights my path. Sweetest of dreams Shayne.
Tammy McPhee posted a message for Shayne Colin Coffey
We miss you. We've been sitting in the sun, eating cheese and drinking good wine in our garden. The garden to the house we bought, partially because of you. The garden you will never sit in. That is so sad.

You brought us so much laughter, Andrew got you but i rarely did (initially).. but that was part of the hilarity. When you and Andrew were together you would both put up with mine and Tams obnoxiousness - there's not many who could do that I'm sure. haha.

The last night I saw you, your birthday - I gave you a hug. Never did that before that night (apart from the occasions you did it to make me uncomfortable... ) - I'm glad i did.

Anyway, its Christmas and I thought I would check in - if you are out there, know we miss you dearly, and we always will. I will never understand why you did what you did, but I hope you have found peace.


Cassie gave a flower for Shayne Colin Coffey
Merry Christmas my love

I am thinking of you this morning... wishing we were celebrating together. I love you so very much and hope you are watching over me an not judging me too harshly... you are loved and the emptiness you left in my heart will never truly be filled.... I still cant believe you are gone.

My sun, my love.
Tammy McPhee gave a flower for Shayne Colin Coffey